Please Don’t Judge Me
Hi, it’s me again. It’s been a while since I’ve written. I’m currently struggling with a novel, and it’s slow going. I think if I just write something it will help to open the creative gates. I miss writing, and love that I can share myself here rather anonymously and bare my soul to you fine people. I love that I can tell you all my secrets and not feel judged. Judgement is probably the hardest thing for me to accept. I have a complicated life, probably at my own hands, but I don’t want to be judged for forgetting something, sharing something, hiding something…
I have a son. He is a different sort of human. He is judged by everyone except by me. I refuse to judge him based on the way I or anyone else lives. Some things are hard for me to understand, but I always accept him for who he is and never make him feel inferior for his choices. At his core he is a loving, caring, incredible being. At 29 he finally got his driver’s license. I am very proud of him for getting that done all on his own, without my help. I am guilty of enabling him. He just got a regular job, having been homeless and jobless (in the traditional sense). He’s had jobs on farms doing planting and caring for the crops. He loves doing that and he is good at it. This new job is caring for the plants at a nursery. It is the perfect fit for him. I’m just hoping that he sticks with it, with the schedule, and doesn’t lose the job for one reason or another. This happens often. But I am still proud of him and hope for the best.
I work with a man who is an evangelical born again Christian. He told me the other day that he judges his son because he has tattoos. I pulled up my sleeve and flashed mine and didn’t say a word. He acknowledged that he knew I had tattoos but stopped short of telling me I was a sinner. He also said he judges him for living in sin with his girlfriend. This is really hard for me to accept. As a Christian, why doesn’t he follow the “Judge Not” part of the bible? Judgement is also a sin. Only God can judge. I’m not religious at all. I am agnostic at best, probably an atheist in my heart. I live in an area where everyone wears their religion on their sleeve. License plates like GOD4YOU, JCLVSYU, ALL4GOD, and others. I hate when people hide behind their religion. I do have two very religious friends. They do it the right way. They apply their beliefs to only their lives. They don’t try to convert those around them nor do they make others feel inferior by pushing their way of life on them or seeing others as sinners. They judge not. They simply live and let live, which is something missing in our country these days. The state of our politics right now has me so sick. The overturning of Roe v. Wade is the latest example of religion taking too large of a role in the lives of the non-religious by imposing their beliefs on the whole of society, believers and non-believers. I’m disgusted by it. This is the only area where I can be judgmental. I hope that when they face God prior to entering heaven (don’t really believe in that place) and they are judged harshly. So harshly that they are refused entry and have to go to the other place. The place they say the rest of us are going. The other place that I don’t believe in. What do I believe in? Neither of those places. I’m not sure what awaits us at the end, but I don’t think there is an eternal good or bad place. I want to be a ghost. Haunt those who want to take rights away from others who don’t prescribe to their beliefs. The beliefs they are trying to shove down our throats. I want to be the spirit of the past, present, and future. Shove into their faces the things they have done that are not Godly. Point out that Jesus would never do the things that they had done. If they truly wanted to be Christlike, they had fallen short so many times. My religious friends, the ones who do not judge, are living in a Christlike manner. Doing good. Caring for their fellow human. Living by example. They have my respect, even though I do not believe as they do. But even though I don’t believe, I don’t judge them for their beliefs. Religion should be a personal and private thing. At least that’s what I believe.
So the long and short of it, I generally keep my opinions to myself. My circle knows what I believe and don’t believe in. My religious friends accept me regardless, as I accept them. I am here hiding in plain sight. Showing you my beliefs, my feelings, and a glimpse of my life. All the while maintaining my identity, and not putting my real self out there for judgement. I may someday, but today is not that day. My extended family doesn’t need to know how I think. My sister (Republican), my brother and his wife (voted for Trump twice), and my aunts and cousins (also Republicans). I am a Progressive Democrat. I see my sister on occasion and do spend time with my brother and his wife. We just don’t talk politics. Been there, and it wasn’t pretty. I try not to judge them but can’t help it sometimes. I just don’t make them feel bad for their choices. I take them as they are. They do the same for me. That way I can have family and not be ostracized further. Being the Black Sheep can be a bit tiring. My aunts and cousins don’t matter one iota to me, so their feelings about me just do not matter one bit. It’s amazing how much space I take up in their thoughts. They are constantly asking my sister-in-law about me and my life. She just says she doesn’t know what I’m up to. They get mad at my brother for having a relationship with me, and he rightly tells them it’s none of their business. It’s his choice to have me in his life.
Thank you for being here. My personal diary, the one thing I learned not to have as a kid. The Monster was always rifling through my journals, ripping out pages that made her feel bad then using them against me. I wrote poetry when I was younger and I have nothing left from my childhood. This is my way of knowing I existed. I didn’t keep any photos of my life growing up. My brother has those. I also still have a couple secrets that are not known to others, except one person knows one of them. I will take that one to my grave. Please don’t judge me.
