OMG… I have ADHD!
It’s a hard realization when you find out that you have ADHD later in life. Luckily, I was able to get a diagnosis instead of just thinking there was something else terribly wrong. Yes, I have major depression. I’ve had it for so many years it’s just a part of me. I will be on medication for the rest of my life, and that’s fine. I’d rather be more stable than all over the place. But I wasn’t stable. I was all over the place. I was desperately unhappy. So, when the possibility that all these troubles I was having could be because of ADHD I had to act, and quickly. My life seemed to be falling apart again.
The first inkling that I could have ADHD came when a food blogger I follow mentioned that he just found out that he may have ADHD. He mentioned a few of his symptoms: poor memory, trouble concentrating, unable to follow instructions, easily frustrated to the point of being unable to function, so many unfinished projects, inability to tackle tasks that are right in front of him. Did that sound like me? You bet. I downloaded an adult ADHD form. I was pretty high on the scale. I had an appointment already with my psychiatrist the next day so decided I would bring it up with him. I had just completed a second round of transcranial magnetic stimulation and felt that I was still having depressive symptoms. He started me on meds right way, not a stimulant, but Wellbutrin XL 150mg for 5 days, then 300mg. He asked that I get a TOVA assessment (test of variables of attention). This is a computerized test consisting of 2 modules. One visual and the other auditory. It was exhausting, but at the end it showed that I did, in fact have ADHD. This was not covered by my insurance, but my FSA covered it.
I was able to determine, now that I could think clearly, that I needed to make changes at work. The first step was to ask for a new supervisor. I felt disrespected by my current supervisor and felt that our last interactions were bordering on harassment. I had gone to our team leader because salary discussions had concluded, and I was not spoken to about whether I was receiving a salary increase. Being unable to regulate my emotions, I had a meltdown. She jumped into gear and phoned our group leader and got the information from him that yes, I did in fact get an increase and he wanted to tell me himself, but life got in the way, and it dropped off his radar. Never mind that my supervisor should have followed up instead of leaving me to wonder and flounder. Once I learned that I was good I could calm down. The worst part of all of this was when my supervisor came to me later and chastised me for being proactive and seeking information from someone who is not my supervisor. Excuse me? You ignored me. So, I asked for someone else. Now she’s upset at me for not going to her to ask for a new supervisor. Really? I think that would have only caused more tension between us. She asked me to explain why I requested the change, but just kept using I and me in my explanation. The last thing I would say is “you”. I needed to keep it professional at work. I’m venting here because I can.
So back to the ADHD. I have to say that these meds are working fine, and I see no reason to switch at this point. I stopped following the food bloggers ADHD page because he said he wasn’t going to take meds for his but try a more holistic approach and everyone on the page was chiming in saying he was making the right decision in avoiding medication. That’s nice for them, but not in the cards for me. My brain chemistry is fucked up and that’s all there is to that.
If any of this sounds familiar, take the assessment at the link above. I was thinking I was getting dementia. My mom had Lewy body dementia and it was horrific. I had cognitive testing scheduled for the end of that week and cancelled once I spoke to my doctor and got on some meds. If I still feel that things are not moving in the right direction I may consider stimulant medication, but I think I’m good for now. We talk again next month.
