I Am Ammi…
Ammi is not my real name. I write as her to save me from criticism from my family who may or may not run into one of my essays. I am the black sheep of my clan. The scapegoat. The one that everyone blames, the one that everyone loves to talk about for whatever reason. My mother was a narcissist, as are her two sisters (Cruella Nos. 1 and 2). As a result, I am very suspicious of people. I have a few friends that I allow to know who I am as a writer, and trust that they will not betray me. I hope anyway. I need to feel that I have people I can trust, especially females. The women in my life have so often let me down. My own mother especially. For this reason, I usually feel most comfortable with male friends.
I may someday feel comfortable writing under my own name, but that time is not now. I understand that one of my cousins regularly looks me up on the internet (when selling the monster’s house, she regularly kept tabs on the sale, and I would hear about it from my sister-in-law). Keeping a small digital footprint helps her not be able to find me. Luckily, a quick Google search brings up nothing, other than public documents in which am listed as a preparer. That’s it. And maybe my Steam gaming profile. I won’t allow anyone to post pictures of me online. A coworker had once posted a group picture on Facebook when we were at another coworker’s memorial. I not so kindly explained that she did not have my permission to post my picture without my consent and inquired if she had gotten anyone’s consent prior to posting the photo. She did not. Other than looking like a loony, I think she learned something about privacy and consent.
I do have a Facebook account, mostly because I belong to a couple of plant-based food groups, a group devoted to the type of electric car I drive, and a group for daughters of narcissistic mothers. My friends list is tiny. I think I only have 19 friends to whom I allow access (I deleted my account when I was going through a rather deep depression. It took more than a year for me to create a new one). I consider these people my family and do have a couple of work friends in that group. My profile is set to private. I can’t be searched for, which is the way I like it. I can only get friend requests from friends of friends, and usually decline those. Especially from the random photo poster mentioned previously. Boundaries are hard for them, as is discretion.
So Medium is my outlet. The place I can say the things that need to be said. Let those things out instead of keeping them bottled up inside where they fester and turn into something else. Ammi is not afraid to say these things. She is my middleman. My way to keep myself safe while venting.
So for now, my name is Ammi. So very nice to meet you…
