2020 and Major Depressive Disorder
I know I’m not the only one. Covid and 2020 kind of did me in. First it was the seclusion, working at home and wanting nothing more than to be with my coworkers. With people. Be anywhere than just stuck at home. The year prior my major depression got the best of me. Feeling so alone even though my husband was there with me. Mr. Happy could find the bright spot in any situation. Not me. My dark cloud was with me constantly.
Managing The Monster’s care (aka Mom, or the Thing What Birthed Me) was taking a toll on me. She was in memory care and I dealt with keeping her cared for on a daily basis. I was lucky enough to find an affordable option that was close to my office. They did a wonderful job but I was still stressed beyond what I could manage. My depression was winning and I was having night terrors. My long-time psychiatrist retired out of the blue causing me to find another STAT. These things take time, but within a couple months I found a new one. I had asked my old doctor to help me find alternative treatment options, as my meds just kept me somewhat functional but that was it. She said there was nothing she would recommend, so we just kept with the same old protocol.
This new doctor recommended repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation (rTMS) within the first 5 minutes of our initial consultation. I jumped at the chance. That was June of 2019. I received 30 treatments. These sessions were every week day for 6 weeks. By August my depression was in remission. I went vegan, lost 35 pounds, and was feeling happy and hopeful for the first time in a very long time.
March 18, 2020 was my last day working in the office when we moved our entire company to a work from home situation. Mr. Happy and I set up our respective offices in the dining room and living room. We had met at work a few jobs earlier (and were still working together with our current company) so were used to working, living, and playing together early on. Thankfully it was still a viable option being together all day, every day. Most couples would be ready to kill each other.
As the weeks dragged on though, I needed more interaction with different people, but it just couldn’t happen. I would meet up occasionally with a work buddy for coffee, but that ended when she came down with Covid. Thankfully she recovered. The person who didn’t recover though was The Monster. Covid tore through her memory care facility and she was gone in a matter of days (read about that in Guilt and the Death of the Monster). That was yet another push into a deeper depression. It was August 2020. No funeral or memorial. I shipped her ashes to her sister up north.
As the months dragged on it just got worse until the weight of depression was literally killing me. In trying to add activities into my days to help boost my endorphins I managed to break my hip skateboarding. That was just another straw. The final straws were a few work things that gave me a hefty shove to the edge and I finally fell. An SOS message to my doctor prompted another round of TMS. A different protocol this time. Deep transcranial magnetic stimulation (dTMS) has proven to once again pull me out of the depths. While I still have some stress and anxiety (dealing with the trust account) I am once again in remission. I’ll be done with dTMS in a couple weeks. I’m adding in talk-therapy now, so hopefully things won’t go south any time soon. Or ever…
The funny thing is that I now enjoy working at home more than going into the office. I do go in, and once dTMS is done I’ll be expected to go in more often. I hope to keep it around 2 days a week. More if a business need warrants it. One work thing still lingers, and I suppose that one will for a while, but I’m dealing with it.
If you’re feeling depressed or hopeless, contact a mental health professional or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a United States-based suicide prevention network of over 160 crisis centers that provides 24/7 service via a toll-free hotline with the number 1–800–273–8255. It is available to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress.
